Diary: September 14, 2024

Although it’s not hellweeks I feel terrible. (Yes, also that is possible). In spite of the fact that I finally have a doctor’s conclusion that I have PMDD, I feel terrible. Maybe it is because of the fact that the doctor said it. That she said you’re describing a clear path of PMDD. That she was not even blinking when I shared what I had to say, or in fact, what my husband had to say. 

Maybe it’s that. All the struggle, the sadness, the fatigue about not being able to give words to my condition. But now I finally heard someone else say the words… and honestly? It was also a slap in the face. It’s final, I am a PMDD woman. These woman are crazy, manipulative, insane. How did it happen that I am one of them all of a sudden? 

I am somewhere in between ‘relieved that I can go forward from now one and try different treatments’ and ‘oh my fucking God, this will never end’ and ‘See? I am this manipulative bitch anyway’. I can’t sleep, I feel overwhelmed.

In stead of talking about this, I shout to my husband and put up my safe concrete wall. I am a bit of a mess right now.