Diary: July 30, 2024

This is what severe PMDD or perimenopause (don’t know which one it is exactly in my case at the moment) looks like. It’s having a wonderful holiday but waking up with a sudden sense of blackness… waking up crying, feeling absolute lost and alone, not knowing how to get yourself out of bed. The feeling of only darkness surrounding you, soaking up all the joy, the pleasure, the love, the fun; in fact soaking up all of the person you were the two weeks before. This is desperately trying to hold on to a mantra that repeats; it’s over in two weeks, it’s over in two weeks. This is me trying to hold it all together while in fact it’s impossible to function like a normal mother, wife, daughter, employee, or even a normal person. 

It’s been a secret my whole life. People know I feel bad sometimes, but I cover everything with a blanket of ‘it’s not that bad’… The worst things and thoughts I keep to myself. I don’t share, I hide my scars, my battles, my deepest thoughts. I hide the days I don’t leave my bedroom, I hide my urge to leave everything behind and just be gone, I hide my selfdestructive tendencies, I hide shouting to myself in de mirror, I hide sitting on the kitchen floor for hours, crying my eyes out. I hide my anger, my rage… but most of all, I hide myself. I hide myself constantly, because the person I am in my dark times is not the person I like to be. I hate myself in darker times, it’s a deep deep black feeling. It makes me numb, devastated and totally desperate. 

I think it’s time for change. Don’t know how, but I am sick of hiding, I am tired of only showing even my dearest people the polished person, the one without all the darkness. I just married the best man, who is able to deal with all my darkness; so it is possible. If he can do it, there must be others who are willing to like me for me, for who I am, for the whole me.

So here I am, this is me after finally getting out of bed at 13.30 in the afternoon, whilst crying through the morning. This is me without all the polished niceness, without the fake smile, without the mask of being polite. I try, I do my best to get through these days. And it will be fine.. but this is part of me and part of my life. 

~x~