Diary: August 12, 2024

Luteal fase still isn’t over. Two days ago I went on a walk with my husband in our neighborhood and just couldn’t stop talking about how much rage I felt. So much anger, towards myself, towards the world, towards people. I hold it all in, always. But the feeling of being seconds away of exploding to an innocent bystander is real.

It tires me that I need to hold it all in. A continuing battle of staying above all the emotions I feel. Never give in and let them be, because they’re not okay.

Somehow I need to find some release. Partly I find it in sports, but it’s not enough. The day I described above, I found out that my appointment with the gynecologist wasn’t going to happen, and that I was put on a waitinglist. The girl on the phone responded; ‘it’s possible you need to wait 10 months’. I asked if this was a joke. Unfortunately it wasn’t.  It felt like someone opened a gap underneath me. How am I going to do this for 10 more months?? The SSRI’s give me some release, but also make me feel numb and leave me behind with absolutely no drive at all. That frustrates me and also makes me angry because I am not this numb, boring person.